Do I live in a Friendly World?

Today I will share with you My Situation with the first Pillar. My #Before

I have to stop & say that this story (and Pillar) is not about The World "watching out for me" and adopting that believe. It's deeper than that.

I truly believe that it's not the world's responsibility to watch out, it's my own. World is only a playground for our lives to unfold and it's on us to define how is this going to happen. It's about how much responsibility we will take or not.

World provides with everything we are willing and ready to take. The question is: what is it & how do we open ourselves for more, or for something specific that we want?

---

November 2019.

It was a rainy and cold day. On the clock was something around 8 pm when I was coming back from work. Tired after a long day, with a heavy bag on my shoulder and no hood to hid from the rain I eventually got to the Park & Ride, where I left my car. Got inside it and besides being cold and wet I didn't want to start it.

Have you ever had a feeling that you don't want anything anymore?

Like if Life lost it's colours, it's taste for you... nothing feels inspiring & the thought of living one more day the way you are now just tares you apart.

Have you ever felt sick from your own life?

I have.

That night I had so enough of it, that couldn't even cry. I couldn't take it any longer.

But what to do?

It felt like the only thing I knew how to do successfully in my life was how to run away from myself. Hide behind "supporting my partner" and his aspirations, & use whatever current circumstances at a time as an excuse to "why not" or "why not now"...

Since 25 y.o. I was carrying a thought about having my own business/project & more time was passing by more regrets and doubts were filling my heart.

That night I knew everything will have to change... I just didn't know how.

Next...

I quit hairdressing. My director offered me to stay as a Social Media and marketing manager & I stayed. Next two years I was educating myself on how it works through various recourses, luckily pandemic provided with the time for it. But I wasn't only curious to understand how & why it works... I was looking for something where I could stay for good and eventually develop my own project.

The time went past though & hopes for that to ever happen were dying down.

Have you ever experienced something that feels like all your efforts are useless, unnecessary, not needed? Like if there is no space for you in this world?

I tried to take my clients and help them develop their social media strategies, but it wasn't going anywhere. Something I thought I could do well enough was flopping, I was loosing interest, had no energy for it...

Maybe it's not for me, maybe I'm not cut out for this? - I questioned my own ideas.

Then...

I discovered Personal Branding.

I knew I could thrive there! I'm so passionate about individually, personality, surely the field of Personal Branding will be filled with more excitement for me and I'll be able to carry on!

Again, more education, first test clients and flop. Same story - no energy, no interest, no believe that I can and competition is too high.

Looking back into hairdressing career I noticed that when I started I've seen myself traveling the world with my future masterclasses! But as the time went by I had no energy for it, lost my interest and all I wanted was to quit. And so I did.

---

What felt like a bewitched Pattern.

Over and over I was finding idea, educating myself on the matter to the point where I can start taking first clients. Find my "guinea pigs" or clients for donation of some sort, test a thing or two & give up feeling overwhelmed and thinking that I will never succeed.

These weren't the only beginnings that I had, but they all followed about the same pattern. Perhaps the only reason I have realised it is because the last three or four of them have happened withing the last four years. There wasn't enough time in-between to forget and the feeling of "I've seen this before" was lingering in the air feeling a bit too strong.

Invisible wall, bewitched behaviour pattern that kept unfolding for me - I've realised it, what's next?

Life Coaching

To help myself I got into Life coaching.

Hired a coach and whent through her program. Then another coacn, another program. I started to get my answers.

But turned out that realising the pattern was one thing, the other one I needed to understand is what created it in the first place. Because changing a pattern doesn't mean I won't create another useless one. In fact I successfully did :)

But evetually, with the help of my coaches, another education that I went through :) & my own observations I realised what was the cause of it:

🌐 I didn't trust the world to provide me with opportunities for growth. I expected my success to be taken away from me & so that's why my subconscious never let me there, in the successfull life. It was saving me from the pain I could experience there (following my beliefs).

I started the work with my beliefs and prettey soon realised that it's not enough.

Since I still don't fully trust the world, I don't live in a friendly world yet, I easily find new ways to flop my beginnings. Life Coaching is the latest example.

Now I don't even get to the stage of finding clients, I simply carry on studying in hopes to become the best :)

So this month I'm focusing on transforming the first Pillar in my Life & moving into a Friendly World of possibilities.

Stay tuned to find out if I will manage to do so. What are your bets? :)

Until the next time,

Renata Dar